the invisible pull of parental loyalty
If you're feeling pulled in two different directions when your parents split, here's how to overcome feelings of discomfort, stay connected to your family, and find ways to focus on your own wellbeing.
In my blog, Dealing With Your Parent’s Divorce As An Adult, I write about what it’s like to step into adulthood while your parents’ marriage is ending. That double transition is hard enough on its own, but there’s another layer many people struggle with: the quiet, often unspoken pull of loyalty. When parents separate, it’s not uncommon for them to lean on their kids for reassurance, validation, or even for their own alignment. Sometimes it’s obvious (“Don’t you agree I had to leave?”). Other times, it’s subtle; maybe a sigh when you mention the other parent, a joking dig that doesn’t feel so funny, or a hint of disappointment when you split your time. Even if no one directly says, “You have to pick a side,” it can feel like the test is always there in the background. We call this a loyalty conflict.
As an adult child, this can feel especially confusing. You love both of your parents, and you want to stay connected to both. Yet you’re pulled by invisible strings in opposite directions, constantly wondering how to prove your loyalty without losing yourself in the process.
Loyalty conflicts don’t always show up in big dramatic moments; they often sneak into everyday life. You might feel this pressure heavily around the holidays: choosing whose table to sit at, worrying that your presence with one means absence with the other, etc. Even joyous milestones like graduations or weddings can be stressful when you’re wondering how each parent will interpret your choices.
Sometimes, pressure manifests in smaller ways: which parent you call first with good news, who you confide in about your struggles, or even which house you visit more often just because it’s closer. Each decision is weighed not only by your needs but also by how it might affect those you love. Over time, this can start to feel like a no-win situation. If you lean toward one parent, you worry the other might feel rejected. If you try to stay perfectly neutral, you feel inauthentic. The result is that instead of focusing on your own life, you’re stuck in a constant balancing act aimed at keeping everyone else comfortable.
Living this way doesn’t just cause stress; it can shape how you see yourself, especially if it gets to a point where it’s too difficult to be authentic with one or both of your own parents. I often hear clients describe feeling like two different versions of themselves: one with Mom, another with Dad. It can be disorienting, leaving you wondering, Who am I really, when I’m not being pulled by loyalty to someone else?
The emotional toll shows up in different ways. Some people carry chronic guilt, always feeling they’re letting someone down. Others develop anxiety, becoming hyper-aware of tone shifts or body language, bracing for signs of disappointment. For some, the line between child and parent blurs, and they step into the role of confidant or caretaker—what we call “parentification.” And many find that these patterns spill into other relationships, making it hard to set boundaries with friends, partners, or coworkers without feeling like they’re betraying someone.
If any of this sounds familiar, please hear this: the discomfort you feel doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you were put in a position no child, adult or otherwise, was ever meant to manage. Naming that reality can be the first step toward change.
So how do you stop being loyal to a fault? The first step is catching it in the moment. Simply saying to yourself, I feel pulled to prove loyalty right now, can interrupt the automatic pressure. Once you’ve noticed it, you have more room to choose your response. A few gentle strategies can help:
None of these steps are easy, especially at first. It can be difficult to set boundaries, especially for the first time, and parents may push back. Old guilt may flare up. But the more you practice, the more you shift from reacting out of fear to responding out of integrity.
The goal here isn’t to stop loving your parents or to withdraw from them. It’s to create a healthier definition of loyalty; one that doesn’t require you to lose yourself in the process. Real loyalty isn’t about blind obedience or endless sacrifice. It’s about displaying honesty, respect, and consistency. It’s about being able to say, “I love you,” while also saying, “I need to live my own life.”
For some, this looks like creating new traditions that don’t revolve around “choosing sides.” For others, it means gently but firmly refusing to be a go-between or confidant in divorce conflicts. For many, it involves grieving the loss of one united family while still discovering new ways to stay connected to each parent.
And through it all, the most important shift is this: loyalty doesn’t have to mean being pulled apart. It can mean staying whole while staying connected. That mindset is not selfish; it’s sustainable. It allows you to love your parents from a place of authenticity, not obligation. And it frees you to keep growing into the person you’re becoming without being tied in knots by undue expectations.
Does this feel familiar? You’re not alone. Therapy can help you make sense of loyalty conflicts and process the past. I specialize in supporting clients with chaotic family backgrounds . Reach out and book a session with me today at (214) 357-4001 at Lifeologie Counseling Dallas. Outside the Lone Star state, you can search for a Lifeologie therapist near you.