Do you ever wonder what your therapists are reading? Last year I decided to re-read one of the most frequently referenced books on my therapist book shelf, Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski. She released an updated and revised version in 2021, and I was feeling inspired to read this new version. I was elated to find myself once again feeling engaged and entertained while reading her book. Nagoski introduces readers to new and more nuanced ways to understand anatomy, arousal, desire and so much more. She expertly connects these topics to her ethos, mentioned often throughout the book, that we are all made of the same parts, organized in different ways.
This concept of “all the same parts, organized in different ways” blew my mind when I read this book for the first time a decade ago, and it still blows my mind now. How positively normalizing. So many of us spend time wondering and worrying about whether our bodies, desires, and behaviors are normal, and she tells us, in so many words, that yes, we’re normal.
Come As You Are also introduced me to the dual control model of sexual response. This model (and her explanation of it) is the reason it’s one of my most frequently referenced books, especially when working with couples. The dual control model explains how the functioning of your nervous system impacts your arousal. Very simply put, your central nervous system is made up of multiple partnerships of accelerators and brakes. When it comes to sex, this looks like different parts of your nervous system working together to scan the environment for “sexually relevant stimuli” and “potential threats” and send signals from your brain to your genitals to say “Turn on!” or “Turn off!” This concept is great for helping explain why you or your partner may be struggling with orgasm or desire. With this model, it’s much easier to understand that arousal requires activating our accelerator and deactivating our brakes. My favorite thing about this approach? It doesn’t pathologize the sensitivity of your accelerator or brakes. There’s no one perfect way for your nervous system to work. Huzzah!
Even before reading this book, you can start putting together a list of things that hit your accelerator or brakes. Things that make your brain say “I could get into that” or “that’s a no for me” when you’re thinking about having sex. Fresh sheets, straight from the dryer that you didn’t have to put on the bed? I could get into that. Having to step over piles of clothes to get to that bed? That’s a no for me.
Still wondering if this book is for you? If you have a desire to deepen your knowledge about sex or need a catalyst for getting curious about your sexuality, this book deserves a place on your TBR. Nagoski’s writing style is fun and inviting, and she handles the most sensitive topics with a phenomenal balance of care and humor. If you prefer her audiobook, she supplements it with free worksheets and other resources.
There is no one right way to transform your sex life, but Come As You Are is a great place to start. If you’re struggling with your own feelings about sex or wondering how to improve intimacy in your relationships, find a professional therapist who can help you understand how your body and brain work together. I help adults and couples explore their sexual concerns and relationships at Lifeologie Counseling Oak Cliff. In Texas, you can reach out directly to request a session with me, and across the country, you can search here to find a Lifeologie therapist near you who specializes in intimacy and sexual concerns.