Always on Guard in Relationships? How to Stop Overthinking and Start Feeling Safe

If suspicion and an inability to let your guard down dominates your relationships, or you struggle to exert mental, physical, and emotional boundaries, your relational security guards might need an update.

The truth? Most of us don’t struggle with relationships because we’re “too much” or “not enough.” We struggle because the internal guards that once kept us safe haven’t been updated for the life we’re living now.

Let’s talk about what that means, and how to change it.

Two Guards: Detect Threat and Shrinking

Hypervigilant guards kick in to scan for threats. in almost every interaction, conversation, which can lead to high intensity situations in relationships. A hypervigilant pattern is when the system anticipates danger in relationships and responds by tightening boundaries and increasing control to prevent harm.

Maybe growing up, you learned that safety meant keeping what was or felt threatening on your radar. And you may have not only been trying to protect yourself but others as well. Paying attention to cues such as tone of voice, the way someone pulled into the driveway, opened the door with their keys are a few examples of how you adapted and survived.

On the other end of the hypervigilant spectrum is overly permissive guard activation. These guards have been trained to maintain connection in relationships at the expense of real protection. An internalized belief here may be, “I can’t have protection and connection so I choose the latter.”

Maybe growing up you learned that to feel safe meant allowing a family member to dictate the direction of conversations. In many family dynamics, there is a member who dominates or determines the emotional temperature of the system. Presently, this may look like becoming silent, listening only, and withdrawn. You might allow others to depend on you in ways that deprive them of the experience of showing up for their own lives.

Failing to share your thoughts, feelings and opinions for fear that any connection you do have will be lost or compromised is another manifestation of permissive relational guards. One of my clients describes this experience as “shrinking” himself when interacting with his older sister. He shared with me, “When I’m around her, I go back to being the little brother.” He’s beginning to notice the ways in which emotional regression are costing him the kind of protection and connection he desires in this relationship as well as others.

Permissive relational security guards protect by letting everything in — even if it means the person inside has to get smaller to make it work.

Here’s the thing: nothing is wrong with you if you respond in either of these ways.

gratitude, silence, and cost

For a moment, pause. Hold silence and gratitude for how the overly permissive and hypervigilant guards have kept you safe in previous environments.

I don’t vilify you for your guards (i.e. coping mechanisms) because they have kept you safe so that you could get to someone like me.

Now, you’re probably noticing that they aren’t as helpful in more recent circumstances or relationships. Maybe emotional regression or “shrinking” is costing you being truly known for who you are in the present. Maybe constant threat detection in your marriage or dating relationship is contributing to feelings of distance and loneliness. I get it.

Nothing is wrong with you.

updating your internal guards

Healing is possible.

Training your guards to respond appropriately and differently in the present is a process and worth your effort and attention. If you’re updating feelings and behaviors that are over accommodating, your system learned that openness was safer than restriction — and now we’re helping it recalibrate.

Updating overly permissive guards:

• Externalize rather than shrink: slowly begin to share your thoughts, feelings, etc.
• Dispute or have an argument with the belief or internalized narrative that “connection will be lost if I share what I really think and feel.” Ask, “Is this true?” “What proof exists for this belief?”
• Identify exceptions to shrinking: pinpoint past times where you pushed past a tendency to lessen yourself in meaningful relationships to build confidence to continue doing so presently and in the future

You don’t always have to be on high alert. Being consistently in a state of threat detection takes away from your ability to form close and trusting relationships as well as be present and enjoy moments and people you really care for.

Updating hypervigilant guards:

• Grounding exercises: when you feel on alert, practicing deep breathing can help to activate your parasympathetic nervous system, which helps your heart rate to slow down and gives you access to the part of your brain responsible for good judgment/thinking
• Mindfulness training: helps you to focus on the present moment and lower arousal; consider trying a group yoga class, mindful hug, gratitude or mindful music listening (Spotify playlist anyone!)

If either of these two guards or the others (disappearing and outdated) have been mainstays in your emotional toolkit, it can be challenging to update the guards alone.

At Lifeologie Counseling, our specialists offer a range of modalities such as CBT, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing, aimed to help you cultivate a sense of safety and calm in your body, mind, and spirit.

Updating your guards won't be easy, but worth it.

Nothing is wrong with you.

If you're interested in learning more, check out my blog Why Boundaries Feel Hard and How To Fix The Problem. 

Do your guards need an update? At Lifeologie Counseling Dallas, we offer compassionate and practical therapeutic support, without judgment. Our therapy team takes an open, curious, and collaborative approach that will give you the tools and support you need to navigate your mental health journey. Book a virtual appointment today with me in Texas or Indiana, or explore our rapidly growing team of Lifeologie therapists near you to get started!