Why Boundaries Feel Hard (and How to Fix the Real Problem)

The Problem Isn’t Boundaries - that's How We Learn to Stay Safe.

Last month, I wrote about noticing drafts in a house. Cold air wasn’t the problem—it simply revealed gaps that had always been there. Awareness mattered. But noticing a leak isn’t the same as protecting the space.

January is where we shift from noticing to understanding how protection actually works.

This is where my favorite framework comes in: security guards.

I don’t use this metaphor just to talk about boundaries. I use it to talk about how people learned to stay safe in relationships—often in environments where safety, consistency, or choice were limited. What many people call “boundary issues” are actually signs of a relational security system doing exactly what it was trained to do.

Your security system isn’t broken. It’s just outdated.

is struggling with boundaries a trauma response?

Most of us didn’t consciously design how we protect ourselves. Our guards were trained early, under pressure, with the tools available at the time. And for a long while, they worked.

Some guards became hypervigilant.

They scan constantly. They assume threat. They react quickly and intensely. These guards are excellent at preventing harm—but terrible at allowing rest. People with hypervigilant guards often feel “too much,” reactive, or exhausted by relationships.

Some guards became overly permissive.

They wave everyone in. They struggle to stop people at the door. They learned that connection mattered more than protection—or that saying no wasn’t safe. These guards keep relationships going, but often at the cost of resentment, depletion, or invisibility.

Some guards learned to disappear.

They clocked out entirely. They stop monitoring the door because protection didn’t feel effective or allowed. This often shows up as emotional shutdown, conflict avoidance, or a sense of distance in relationships.

And some guards are simply outdated.

They’re enforcing rules from an environment that no longer exists—family roles, past relationships, old power dynamics. The world changed, but the guards didn’t get the memo.

When these guards are running the system, boundary struggles make sense. The issue isn’t willpower. It’s not that you “don’t know how to set boundaries.” It’s that your security system is responding to today’s relationships with yesterday’s training.

Healthy boundaries aren’t walls. They’re not about keeping everyone out. They’re the result of well-trained, well-supported guards who know how to assess, respond, and adjust. Guards who can say, “You’re welcome here,” and also, “Not like this,” or “Not right now.”

Just like sealing a house doesn’t mean eliminating airflow, updating your relational security system doesn’t mean shutting down connection. It means deciding—intentionally—what comes in, when, and how.

Real change doesn’t start with forcing new rules. It starts with curiosity.

Who’s guarding the door for you?
What are they protecting?
And what did they have to learn in order to survive?

If you read my previous blog about boundaries, you'll remember that December was about noticing where the drafts are. January is about staffing the door with intention. When your security system gets updated, boundaries stop feeling like battles—and start feeling like relief.

Need help setting or maintaining boundaries? At Lifeologie Counseling Dallas, we offer compassionate and practical therapeutic support, during every season. Our therapy team takes an open, curious, nonjudgmental and collaborative approach that will give you the tools, tips and support you need to navigate all the things related to your mental health journey. Book an appointment today with me in Texas, or explore our rapidly growing team of Lifeologie therapists near you to get started!