criticism: the saboteur of healthy communication 

Most of us would agree we want to become better communicators. We read the books, nod along to podcasts, and repost sage advice memes. We know communication is key to healthy relationships. It's how we send our thoughts, our feelings, and our needs across the great divide between our brain and another. When it works, it’s magic. We feel seen, heard, understood, and valued. When it doesn’t? It can feel like the emotional equivalent of hosting a party where no one shows up. 

But there’s one particular kind of communication fail that I see all the time in couples. It’s sneaky, it’s common, and it’s toxic: parental criticism.

What Is Parental Criticism?

Parental criticism is when one person talks to the other like they're a misbehaving child rather than a full-grown adult. It's when you take a tone that says: “I know better, and you’ve disappointed me.” Think of it as communicating from the top, down. 

Here’s how it tends to show up in our conversations:

Or statements like these:

• “I told you...”
• “Why would you do it that way?”
• “Don’t you think it would be better if you…”

Yikes!

Parental criticism isn’t just bossy—it’s belittling. It assumes superiority and strips the person we say we love, of agency, autonomy, and (let’s be real) dignity.

where does parental criticism come from?

Well, fun fact (and by fun, I mean: psychologically loaded): most of us carry our earliest communication patterns with us like emotional carry-ons. We grew up absorbing the way our parents or caregivers spoke to us, and then voila!—we accidentally start treating our partner the way it was done to or model for us.

So when you say, “Why didn’t you just do it the way I told you?” in that tight-lipped, trying-not-to-yell voice… yeah, that’s probably your dad.

When your partner hears that tone and instantly feels 12 years old and defensive? There it is.

Let’s be clear: parental tones have a place in, well, parenting, but they have no business in adult-to-adult relationships. When used with a partner, they don’t build connection—they build resentment, shame, and distance.

The reality is we all slip into these patterns. It’s not about shame. It’s about awareness. The goal isn’t to be perfect—it’s to be intentional. Start noticing those moments when you sound suspiciously like your mom or your third-grade teacher. That flicker of, “Why do I feel like I just got in trouble?” Pay attention. That’s your cue.

The best relationships aren’t hierarchical. They’re equal. In a partnership, both people deserve to be spoken to like competent, capable, worthy adults.

how to stop criticizing your partner like a parent

The next time you feel a correction forming in your throat, try this instead:

• “Hey, can we try it like this next time?”
• “I feel frustrated when I don’t feel heard—can we talk about it?”
• “Let’s figure this out together.”

Trust me, your partner—and your inner child—will thank you!

is your childhood narrative affecting your adult life story?

Want to dive deeper into how your childhood scripts are hijacking your adult relationships? I specialize in helping people overcome anxiety, guilt and shame about how they relate to themselves  – and how they relate to others. In Texas, you can schedule a session with me in person at Lifeologie Counseling Allen, Texas or via telehealth. Call (214) 556-0996 to book an appointment or connect and learn more about my approach. Outside the great state of Texas, search for a Lifeologie Counseling relationship expert near you to help you move forward and start learning how to write your own script.