Seeking Support for Grief During the Holidays

If you are walking through grief this time of year, or supporting someone who is, know this: you are not alone, and it is okay for the holidays to look and feel different. 

finding gentle forms of grief dupport during the holidays

The holiday season is often painted as a time of joy, connection, and celebration. But when you are grieving the loss of someone you love, the lights do not shine as bright, the music feels heavier, and traditions can feel like painful reminders of who is missing. 

If you are walking through grief this season– or supporting someone who is – know this: you are not alone, and it is okay for the holidays to look and feel different. Let's explore some common questions people ask about grief during the holiday season, and how we can approach this tender time with compassion. 

why are the holidays so hard after losing a loved one?

The holidays are filled with traditions and memories. When a loved one is gone, every empty chair, every tradition, and even every joyful song can serve as a reminder of their absence. Grief feels magnified because the contrast between what “was” and what “is” becomes impossible to ignore. 

It is normal for the holidays to stir up emotions— even if your loss was not recent. Grief does not follow a calendar. 

But we can do hard things! We all grieve at some point in our lives, and some of our losses give us different feelings during that grief process. Losing a loved one while going through the holidays and seeing everyone connect in ways that you may be missing is especially difficult. Allow yourself to make space to open the door for something new to honor your loss. Grow to express the love you wish to give; with compassion, in the new way you have been given to honor the love you wish you could still give. 

you have permission

I tend to repeat this a lot to clients, because it is an important reminder. Important because sometimes the feeling of selfishness creeps in when caring for ourselves throughout grief. This year, in the holiday season, you have permission to make new traditions, you have permission to honor your lost loved one the way YOU see fit. The relationship you both shared was different from any relationship you share with others. Cherish this. Honor this. Most importantly, CARE for this, and CHERISH the new traditions.

how do you uplift someone who is grieving?

What if you’re not in mourning, but worried about a bereaved friend? When someone you care about is hurting, you may feel unsure of what to say or do. The truth is, you don’t need to have the perfect words— you just need to show up with love. 

Ways to uplift include:

Be present, not perfect. Sometimes the most healing gift is simply sitting with them in their pain. 

Offer practical help. Bring a meal, help with errands, or step in with childcare. Small acts often mean the most. 

In my practice, when working with clients going through the loss, it seems the support that others might miss are the simple things. Funerals and visitations may mean lots of visitors, so a delivery of paper goods, plates, plasticware, toiletries, or tissues can be a great way to help. Have them shipped if you cannot find the time to drop them off. It really is the little things that always seem to mean the most, and to help address a need in ways the person in grief appreciates. 

Remember their loved one. Share a story, a photo, or simply say their name. This tells the grieving person their loved one is not forgotten. 

Afterwards. During my journey of grief with a past client who lost her husband quite suddenly, she stated the biggest help was when people came to pick up the mess “after the rush.” Sometimes we get so caught up in helping those in grief at the beginning, we often forget about how they need help to cope months or even years later. My recommendation here would be to remember to space out your acts of comfort over time, and also help those grieving to know they can accept help, even the help they never imagined they might need.

how can you celebrate holidays while grieving?

When we think of our loss, the devastating truth is that life has changed in a way we never imagined. Celebrating while grieving does not mean ignoring your pain— it means creating space for both sorrow and love. Your holidays may not look like they used to, and that is okay. You can take great pride in honoring your lost loved one. Here are a few ideas to consider:

• Start new traditions. Light a candle, hang an ornament, or set aside a specific moment to honor your loved one.
• Give yourself space. It is okay to skip certain events, leave early, or take breaks when emotions feel overwhelming.
• Blend joy with remembrance. Allow yourself to smile, laugh, and celebrate while grieving. Joy does not mean you have forgotten; it means you are still living. 

I have seen clients celebrate in many ways during the holidays. Examples include empty chairs at tables, carrying a football during a special Thanksgiving game (while hoping for a win), and even donating toys to children in the community. There are many ways to celebrate and honor the love you no longer can give to the one you are grieving, but love can still be celebrated. Please know that ignoring the pain you may feel missing your loved one does not “make it better.” In reality, it will demand to be felt greater. Allow the pain and find a way to welcome it with compassion and hope. Just as hope rings through laughter, it can shine through tears.

what do you say to someone who is grieving during the holidays?

Many people avoid saying anything after a death or tragedy for fear of “making it worse.” But in fact, silence can feel isolating. Instead, try gentle, honest words like:

“I know the holidays may be hard this year. I am here if you want company or need space.”

“I am thinking of you and remembering (their loved one’s name) with you.”

“It’s okay if the holidays feel different this year.”

Avoid cliches like “They would not want you to be sad,” or “Everything happens for a reason.” 

Instead, lean into authenticity and compassion. 

be genuine in times of grief 

Many clients have shared how painful the lack of acknowledgement of their lost loved one is during holidays, or even in everyday conversations. Recently, I spoke with a client who lost his son. The following Christmas, he noticed his extended family did not hang his son’s stocking with all the other children of the family. This caused him to feel anger and ask “was he not important enough to hang his stocking?” and more so, fear that they were forgetting him.

 I encourage you as someone supporting someone through grief:

• Remember the lost, 
• Meeting the person grieving where they are, 
• Honor their needs. 

Whether you are grieving yourself or standing beside someone who is, the most powerful gift you can give is gentleness. Enjoy a cozy night at home with your favorite warm drink and a holiday movie. Let the tears flow, but also welcome the laughter, and warmth of the memories surrounding you. The holidays after a loss will never be the same, but they can still hold valuable meaning to you and your new way of life. 

Allow yourself to feel the range of it all, especially during the holidays and times of celebration. As Dolly Parton’s character Truvy says in the classic film Steel Magnolias, “Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.” 

Grief and love are two sides of the same coin. The deeper the love, the deeper the grief. By honoring that love during times of celebration, you also honor the person who meant so much.

If you are struggling to cope with your loss, consider working with a professional grief counselor who can help you move forward in your own time. Reach out to me at Lifeologie Counseling Cedar Hill, Texas, or find a Lifeologie Counseling grief specialist near you!