Take the Cape Off: A Love Letter To Black Women

a how-to guide for black women who are tired of being superhuman

Dear Black Women,

You good, sis? I know from experience that there is a cape hanging on your closet door. Albeit invisible, the cape is real and tangible. You inherited it, as it was folded into lullabies and “be strong, baby” quips, stitched with stories about your grandmother’s two jobs, your auntie’s church committee, and your mother’s, all too often, “I got it,” even when she didn’t. Somewhere between the group chat, the grocery store, the salon, leading the meeting, and leading prayer, the cape slid across your shoulders and started to feel like skin.

What we missed is that capes weren’t designed for everyday living. Not only do they snag on doorknobs and other things, but they also catch the wind when we’re trying to stand still. 

Sis, this is your invitation to join me in taking the cape off. This is not forever, just now, just here. And to learn how to keep it off more often.

May you remember you were never built to be a bulletproof superheroine. 

May your softness be a strategy and not a secret. 

May your “no” make space for your yeses to feel like home. 

May the people who love you learn to carry what is theirs. 

May you lay the cape down and feel the air on your shoulders. 

That feeling? That’s you. That’s enough.

With love in sisterhood, 

Camille, your fellow cape wearer

Why the Cape Got So Heavy

The phrase “strong Black woman” is framed like a compliment, but it's actually a shortcut people use to keep from asking, “What do you need?” or “How are you doing?” Because of this, you may have been conditioned to anticipate every crisis, to volunteer before anyone else, or help without being asked. You carry the quiet parts of everyone else’s life. Over time, it begins to cost more than it gives: sleep you don’t get, ailments that surface, doctor’s appointments you postpone, resentment you swallow, joy you defer.

It also teaches people around you to stop learning basic care, assuming you’ll do it. The office leans on you for emotional labor. Family leans on you for everything else. Meanwhile, your body keeps the score: tight jaw, headaches, worsening ailments, the 2 a.m. awakening, followed by the scroll that isn’t rest but feels like the only thing you can do at that hour.

Taking the cape off isn’t quitting or giving up on anyone. It’s choosing to be a person who matters in the story..

what taking the cape off actually means

• Being needed less. Not because you don’t care, but because you helped build systems where care can be shared.
  
  
• Letting “no” be a complete sentence. Period.
  
  
• Practicing softness without justifying it. Understanding rest doesn’t have to be earned through suffering.
  
  
• Letting help be messy. Let other people do it differently!

how to take the cape off, practically 

Pick two or three of the following and try them this week.

1. Build a Pause Between Ask and Answer

Put a sticky note on your laptop that simply says: “Pause.”

The reflex to say yes is muscle memory. Interrupt it.

• The 24-Hour Rule: “Thanks for thinking of me. I need a day to check my capacity.”
  
  
• The 10-Minute Rule (for urgent things): “I’ll circle back in ten minutes.” Take a walk, sip water, check your calendar, text a truth-telling friend.

2. Keep a “Boundary Bank” of Ready-Made Scripts

You don’t need new words every time; instead, use the same firm ones often. Save these in your Notes app. Copy and paste as needed.

• The Clear No: “I don’t have capacity for that.”
  
  
• The Yes-But-Limited: “I can review the document, not lead the project.”
  
  
• The Redirect: “I’m not available. Please ask someone else.”
  
  
• The Work Rebalance: “Happy to take this on. Which current priority should I give to someone else or deprioritize?”
  
  
• The Family Reset: “I’m off duty after 5 p.m. Unless it’s an emergency, we can handle it tomorrow.”
  
  
• The Repair: “I said yes too quickly. I’m stepping back so I can keep my commitments with integrity.”

3. Make the Invisible Visible, Then Share It

List the tasks you do that no one sees: birthday gifts, appointment bookings, group texts, church announcements, onboarding the new hire, remembering who’s gluten-free. Put them in a shared doc or on the fridge. Then assign names and dates.

Two-Week Trial: For the next 14 days, every task must have an owner who isn’t you. 

4. Automate Your “No”

Create guardrails that say no for you:

Auto-reply windows: “I check email 9–4. If it’s urgent, call the office.”

Do Not Disturb: Schedule it nightly. Add favorite contacts who can break through.

Standing blocks: Schedule recurring “focus time” and “self-care hour” in your calendar, just like real meetings.

5. Build a Care Network/Group

You don’t need one person who can do everything. You need different people for different needs. Keep a shared document including: names, numbers, allergies, school pickup details, so help doesn’t require a tutorial every time.

6. Rest Like It’s Multidimensional

Sleep matters, but it’s not the only thing you’re missing. Pick one kind of rest per day. Put it on your calendar with a verb: lie down, look at the sky, breathe, be still. Try:

7. Budget Your Yes

Decide in advance how many big yesses you can afford this month (work, church, school, community). Maybe it’s two. Maybe it’s one. Maybe it’s none!

When a new ask appears, check the budget. If you’re “spent,” the answer is easy. You must be fiscally responsible with your energy.

8. Workplace Moves That Change the Math

9. Family & Faith Spaces Without Martyrdom

10. Deal With Guilt Head-On

Guilt is a smoke alarm, not a judge. Ask: Is something actually burning, or is this just the alarm of a new boundary?

Write three “I choose” statements on an index card. Read them OFTEN.

• I choose rest over resentment.
• I choose clarity over comfort.
• I choose shared care over silent suffering.

11. Create a Ritual for Taking It Off

Bodies like cues. Give yours one. Here are some examples:

• Hang a scarf by the door. When you get home, touch it and say, “Off duty.”
• Light a candle when you log off. Blow it out and say, “Enough for today.”
• Put your phone to bed in a different room and say your own name out loud. You belong to you.

12.  When You Pick the Cape Back Up (Because You Will)

Perfection isn’t the goal; recovery is.

what changes when you change

And the world? It keeps spinning. The meeting ends. The family eats. The ministry continues. The myth that everything breaks without you begins to break instead.

a few tiny, real-life starts this week:

I am passionate about serving clients in my community at Lifeologie Counseling Midlothian, where I offer psychodynamic therapy and psychological testing, and also lead a team of professional therapists with a variety of clinical specialties. Discover how to prioritize yourself and live the you deserve! Reach out and connect with me today at (214) 530-2335.