Maybe doing sexy stuff used to be a regular occurrence in your life. Maybe now you realize it’s been a few weeks, months, years since you’ve thought about it let alone made it a priority. Folks of all genders report experiencing some difficulty in their sex lives at some point in their life. It’s completely normal to experience peaks and valleys of desire and responsiveness for sexual activity. When stress is high and emotions are all over the place, it’s not uncommon for your sex drive to be a bit off-kilter too. Engaging in some kind of sexual activity can release powerful endorphins, relieve physical tension, and activate your immune system. But connecting with your sexual side can sometimes feel overwhelming. Any number of life stressors can contribute to a low sex drive and it can feel daunting to figure out how to bring it back. If you’ve found that your interest in sex either with your partner(s) or yourself just isn’t there anymore I have a few suggestions for ways to start to reconnect.
One of the biggest barriers to engaging with yourself sexually is putting too much pressure on yourself to feel like you used to. Acknowledge that you’re in a low spot right now and begin considering how you might like to bring it back. Maybe jumping right into the saddle will work for you but give yourself some patience that it may take a little bit of time too. If you have a partner or partners, be open with them about your experience and bring them into the process too. Be clear about how you’re feeling. A loss in sex drive doesn’t necessarily mean a loss in love or affection. Talk about ways you can still feel connected even if sex isn’t on the table right now. What are more creative ways to be physical with a partner that aren’t focused on sex. A 10-minute make-out session in the kitchen or a shoulder rub can do wonders.
Take a bath or a long shower; something that gives you the natural opportunity to connect with your body. Be mindful as you wash your hair or body with the sensations you feel. Move your body in a way that makes you feel good. Dance around your living room to some fun sexy tunes. Sit in some sunshine or take some time in nature. Light a pleasing smelling candle or put on some lotion or cologne that you like. What’s a food that makes you feel good to eat? Track that down and indulge yourself. With any of these activities keep in mind your purpose of connecting with your body. Doing most anything physically with intention can open you up to other forms of pleasure.
Even if you don’t have anywhere to go or anyone to see it, put on an outfit that makes you feel attractive. Maybe there are some jeans that you know make your booty look excellent. A fancy dress or slick suit might be helpful. If makeup makes you feel special then get yourself gussied up. Pay attention to fabrics that feel luxurious or colors that you love. Try not to get caught up in how you “should” look and instead focus on what you like most about yourself.
If your sex drive is a concern and connecting with yourself through sensuality doesn’t seem to be doing the trick, it may be time to talk with a counselor or a medical doctor to discuss more specific options to bring sex back into your routine. Sexuality can be an uncomfortable topic to address but, for many, it’s a big part of feeling emotionally and physically well. A counselor can offer guidance about resources, techniques, and communication to bring your sexual side out of hiding. If you need some assistance with this, give us a call!
Molly Wilson has her LLPC and is a counselor at Lifeologie Grand Rapids. She also earned her Ph.D. in Counselor Education and Supervision. Molly specializes in all things related to sex (sexual wellness, sexual orientation, and gender identity). Molly knows that sex is a delicate and often uncomfortable subject to discuss, but she is ready to help you or your family wade into those waters. Contact her for a consultation or to schedule an appointment.