Is Your Relationship Stuck In A Phase? Try EFT

Why does your relationship feel different than it did in the beginning? Every couple moves through distinct relationship phases, and when communication feels impossible and connection feels distant, some couples wonder if divorce or separation is the only option. Sounds scary! But it doesn’t have to be. 

Divorce rates in the US have declined since 2000, but the likelihood of a divorce among first marriages is more than 40%, and as high as 60% for second marriages. Same-sex couples have a slightly lower rate of dissolving their partnerships than married different-sex couples. 

Research shows that with the right support, couples can break these cycles and build a relationship that lasts. In fact, 75% of couples who participate in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) experience a major reduction in relationship distress, with benefits lasting long after those first few counseling sessions. 

4 relationship phases most couples go through

1. The Honeymoon Phase. Everything feels magical. You see only your partner's best qualities and fantasize about a perfect future together.
   
   
2. The Realization Phase. Reality sets in. You start seeing your partner as a real person (flaws and all), and little worries start to creep in.
   
   
3. The Tension Phase. This is where many couples struggle. Criticism increases, communication breaks down, and you might magnify what's wrong more than what's right. Partners often try to control situations rather than connect.
4. The Acceptance Phase. The goal! Here, couples learn to appreciate each other's differences, negotiate needs, and build genuine understanding.

Couples move through these phases more than once. In fact, you may cycle in and out of them throughout your relationship. But getting stuck in the tension phase is common. That’s when relationship concerns arise that can lead to relationship distress, separation, or divorce. 

how couples therapy works

During couples therapy, I provide a safe, confidential, nonjudgmental, and nurturing space. We celebrate your strengths as a couple, and then work to decrease your relationship distress. The therapy process begins with a couples assessment, setting goals, and developing a treatment plan together. The treatment plan is a tool to identify what your goals are as a couple and to design an evidence-based therapeutic approach to meet your goals.

root causes of relationship issues

All couples experience the impact of past relationships and current life circumstances on their relationship. They are like the undertow at the ocean. Under the surface, they push and pull on your relationship. Recognizing the root causes of relationship comfort and distress can help you navigate these challenging experiences.

3 common experiences that impact relationship satisfaction

Our relationships from the family we grew up in, and other significant relationships in life, have taught us how to be safe in relationships. People with secure attachment learned that relationships are trustworthy and reliable. Persons with anxious attachment experienced unreliable and unpredictable relationships. Persons with avoidant attachment tend to avoid connecting with their partner in emotional ways due to abandonment or distressing relationships in the past. Your typical attachment style informs how you relate to your partner. Anxious and Avoidant styles can lead to relationship distress.

Your mental load impacts you and your relationship. The number of things you are managing takes energy (mental/emotional/physical). Your fuel tank can run low, which contributes to relationship distress. You might wonder what things impact your mental load. Here are some examples: financial management, household management, childcare/parenting, healthcare, relationships, time management, emotional load, technology, safety and security, managing significant life changes, travel, and joy.

The speed and style of communication often impact a couple's relationship satisfaction or distress. Fast Communicators share quickly, are spontaneous, think on the go, need reassurance, and use more words. Slow Communicators share at a slower pace, need time to ponder, withdraw when stressed, need space, and are more succinct when sharing. Passive Communicators avoid conflict, prioritize others' needs over their own, and have difficulty sharing thoughts, feelings, and needs. Assertive Communicators face conflict, express their thoughts, feelings, and needs, express themselves, and listen to their partner. Aggressive Communicators are characterized by forceful, dominating behavior; being unable to express thoughts, feelings, and needs; struggling to listen to their partner; and might involve shouting, blaming, belittling, or using sarcasm.

Couples that raise their awareness of the impact of past and present experiences on their relationship can decrease relationship dissatisfaction and find hope. Because EFT is rooted in attachment theory, it can help couples raise their awareness and learn skills to increase their emotional connection, which builds relationship satisfaction.

relationship repair

The biggest need for most couples is communicating emotionally with each other. EFT Therapists say, “your emotional connection is the answer” to marital distress. Together, we partner to identify how your current communication patterns are influenced by past relationships and current life circumstances. They impact how you are emotionally present with your partner. You might feel secure, avoidant, or anxious emotional attachment with your partner. Once you have identified what your relationship patterns are, we focus on communication and repairing techniques to enhance your emotional connection. Research has shown this counseling process reduces relational distress and increases relational satisfaction.

EFT offers couples a path to reconnect, heal old wounds, and build a secure emotional bond that lasts. By understanding the patterns that keep you stuck and learning to turn toward one another with empathy and care, lasting change becomes possible. Working with an EFT-trained therapist can help you recognize and change patterns that are keeping you stuck. Read on for examples of how I might guide couples in an EFT session with tips they can practice at home. 

healing tips you can learn in EFT

Communication Guidelines for Speakers and Listeners

  Listener:

1. Avoid distractions
2. Be present
3. Understand your partner’s perspective
4. Be curious
5. Show empathy 
6. Offer acceptance-understanding what they say, not necessarily that you agree with them
7. Summarize -did I get that right
8. Slow down-let the person pause and think without interrupting
9. Don’t provide advice without asking if they want it

  Speaker:

1. Speak from your perspective-say your truth, not absolute truth
2. Give listener time to respond
3. Share emotions
4. Avoid criticism, blaming, or accusations
5. Use “I” statements
6. Be specific about what you need or what you hope to have your partner understand.

Relationship Emotional Repair: Learn to identify when emotional repair is needed during an argument or after an argument.

  During an argument:

1. Notice escalation
2. Say something misguided
3. Notice your partner is hurting
4. You or partner feel withdrawn or disconnected
5. You notice patterns, like going in circles
6. You catch yourself using harmful communication habits 
7. You catch yourself avoiding compromise and negotiation, being stubborn

  After an argument:

1. You realize there was escalation during the argument
2. Feelings need to be addressed
3. Connection needs to be rebuilt
4. You let a conversion with our common ground
5. There is lingering resentment
6. You reflect and recognize your contribution to the problem
7. Argument ended without resolution
8. You gain perspective
9. Your projections are more clear

Ways to heal your emotional connection

1. Apologizing: “I am sorry.”
2. Break: “Let's take a break.” (breathing, relaxation, listen to music, walk the dog, watch tv, sleep (self-soothing)
3. Humor: (lighthearted comments)
4. Affections: “I love you.”, “Can I give you a hug?”
5. Negotiation: “Okay I am willing to consider that.”, “Tell me more.”
6. Listening: “Please tell me. I want to listen.”
7. Trying again: “That came out wrong, let me try again.”
8. Accountability: “Yikes, that was wrong of me.”
9. Sharing emotions: “I feel really sad right now.”

I believe every couple experiences seasons of celebration, challenge, and growth. In my couples counseling sessions, I provide a safe, private space to share stories, recognize pain, identify goals, and build plans for change. My role is to meet each couple where they are and compassionately support their wellness journey. If you and your partner are ready to strengthen your connection and communicate with more understanding, I’m here to help.

Schedule a couples counseling session today and take the first step toward a healthier, more fulfilling relationship at Lifeologie Counseling Durham. Outside North Carolina, you can search our directory to find a couples therapist near you. 

Not quite ready to book, but curious to learn more about how EFT works in a supportive setting? Learn more in my other blog, How Does Emotionally Focused Therapy Help Couples?