4 Ways To Befriend Your Emotions

After reading the title, you may have already told yourself, ‘You cannot befriend your feelings; they are not people, that’s just silly,’ I am here to give you a different perspective. You may have known someone who finds it hard not to yell at others or another who turns to alcohol or food when he starts feeling a bit of anxiety. You may also know someone overly logical, detached, and not compassionate. These are examples of people who may not have the best relationship with their feelings. 

You may have heard the phrase, ‘Toughen up, or suck it up.’ Most men have been socialized to think that expressing feelings is a bad thing, and frequently, some professions, like first responders and engineers, may emphasize critical thinking skills over feelings because they may need to make quick decisions or problem-solve effectively in their line of work. The truth is that feelings are part of us, and when they are denied, they come back stronger than ever. Next time you experience uncomfortable feelings that you want to avoid, try these suggestions instead:

1. Be Curious  

When distressed, we tend to rush to find a way to escape the feelings. Sometimes, a bit of curiosity may actually tell us what we need at that moment. Emotions are an excellent source of information about our needs. Think of someone who changes schools and does not know anyone, so he isolates himself, feeling very disconnected from his peers and mates. This student could feel lonely, which may be happening because his brain is telling him to seek out friends, get to know others, and seek connection. If he “sucks it up” or avoids listening to this feeling, he may continue to feel disconnected. 

2. Name It To Tame It 

“Name it to tame it” is a technique promoted by psychiatrist  Dr. Daniel Siegel, the founding co-director of the Mindful Awareness Research Center at UCLA. Emotions can be scary and overwhelming, especially feelings like anger, shame, and guilt. Yet, once you can label that emotion into words, it reduces the intensity and puts you back in the driving seat. If you beat yourself up for feeling those emotions, they only accumulate and take longer to go away. For this part, use the words, “I am feeling anxious’ rather than ‘I am anxious,” etc., as this creates more space between us and the feeling and lets us know this is something we are experiencing and not who we are as a person. 

3. Take A Deep Breath, Step Back, And Act Wisely 

Usually, just being curious about your feelings and naming them reduces their intensity, but sometimes we may need to express those emotions completely. For example, feeling angry. Anger can be a powerful emotion, but it can also push people away, distance us from others, or make us regret our actions later if they are not correctly expressed. Anger can tell us when we are being mistreated and help us set boundaries with others. Imagine someone named John, who often plays pranks with his best friends Tim and Jeff. The funny thing is that when they play, John is usually the person who gets pranked more often by each of the other two boys. This would make him yell at his friends and call them names, and ultimately, they stop being friends shortly after. If John, however, had taken a deep breath and told his friends that he did not like playing pranks as he was being unfairly picked out, he would have played a different game or made this one fairer; then it is possible changes would have been made without their friendship coming to an end. 

4. Find An Outlet To Channel Those Feelings

Another healthy way to express feelings is to find an outlet where they can be redirected, especially if they are uncomfortable. You may have heard of artists who use the feeling of awe to create artwork through painting or sculpting. You may have also heard of athletes using fear, anger, or frustration to intensify their workouts in preparation for a big game where they might need to make a comeback. Journaling or writing is another way to slow down, process your feelings, and get your thoughts on paper instead of ruminating. These are just some ways to get going. Other hobbies like hiking, singing, or even knitting are also ways to stay present, used as an outlet and as something to enjoy, which helps as a buffer when complicated feelings arise. You get to pick the most exciting activities that best suit your attributes or personality.

These are just a few of the tools and techniques I use in my practice at Lifeologie Counseling Dallas, where I use my own experiences of adapting to new environments living and studying in many countries to bring empathy to clients who are struggling with anxiety, depression, trauma, and feelings of not fitting in, especially socially or culturally. Are you interested in learning more ways to regulate your emotions, build resilience, and forge healthy relationships? Reach out to connect with me in the DFW area, or, outside of Texas, find a therapist near you at wefixbrains.com.