Are We Ready for Couples Counseling?

what a couple needs for counseling to work

Reaching out for couples or marriage counseling can feel really scary. No one exactly loves airing out their “dirty laundry” in front of a stranger—much less imagining taking suggestions from them. It’s a big step to ask for professional help, and the research backs that up. In fact, most couples don’t reach out for support until they’ve been struggling for 6+ years. A lot can happen in that time, and some of it may feel hard to undo. But repair is absolutely possible.

You don’t have to wait that long to reach out. Just try to be honest with yourself about whether you’re ready to do the work. When you are, we’ll be here. This article is for couples who are wondering if they’re ready for counseling and offers a quick look at what’s needed from both partners during the counseling process to have the best possible outcome.

expectations: let's get real

People don’t usually look for counseling when everything feels smooth and easy. That goes for couples, too. Most partners reach out after they’ve been struggling for years, often following a long stretch of “not doing so well” together. This can be anything from transitioning into another life cycle stage, life transitions in general (like a new job or relocating), emotional affairs, sexual affairs, intimacy issues, one partner struggling with addiction, communication or lack of communication, and so on. Chances are any relationship has been functioning in a specific way for quite sometime before entering into a therapy room.

It’s important to keep this in mind when starting couples counseling. Your therapist knows you’re ready for tools, tips, and solutions right away, and they genuinely want to help you as much as possible. At the same time, it’s just as important to have realistic expectations of yourself, your partner, and your therapist.

Think about it like going to the doctor with a broken leg. Does it heal the moment you walk into the office? Of course not. There’s a process: sharing what happened, getting x-rays, being measured for a cast, wearing the cast, going to follow-up appointments, limiting movement so it can heal, doing stretches—the whole nine yards. It’s a journey, not a quick fix.

Repairing your relationship works the same way. It’s absolutely possible, and you’re not stuck this way forever—but real change takes time.

perception: shift to we and us

It is not uncommon to have a couple come into the first therapy session (even a few sessions after!) with completely divided perceptions. There is little “us” or “we” and a LOT of “me” versus “you.” This is created by truly wanting our partner to be on our side because we believe it is the right way, and we want them to understand us. And if our partner sees it “my way,” then they will support me and this will make me feel loved. Therapists are often working toward joining this divide that has previously been created.

Shifting your perception to more of a “we/us” can be very beneficial. It helps create a sense of closeness during the therapy process as well as within the relationship. Couples are able to connect and share goals more effectively when their perceptions are similar. The couple needs to stand united, especially with creating positive changes. An easy way for couples to change perception is to begin to change the language that they utilize. They can start using more united terms, such as “our” or “us” and “we.” Also, adding more of a positive twist with it than negative can help.

For example, a couple may be frustrated that they often argue when communicating and say, “We always argue! One of us never listens and understands the other! It’s been this way forever!” Now saying a very similar thing, but with a different perception and more positive tone, “We need to work on our communication. We often are not sending and receiving messages in a way that each other can understand. This is a work in progress and we need to practice. Let’s find what works for us!” Doesn’t that sound better than the first statements? It creates a united front for this couple that THEY will develop and change THEIR communication skills. TOGETHER.

try again: allow for redos

One thing that can help couples during their therapy process is giving themselves a break! Most couples have been functioning in a certain way for a long time. Things will not change overnight, and that’s just the reality of it. As therapists, we want to help you as much as possible and we understand that you want things fixed right away. It is our job to guide you to create that change outside of the therapy office. And that means making some mistakes and allowing opportunities to change it. 

With that being said, allow yourselves redos. If you’re in the beginning stages of conflict with your partner, give yourself permission to hit pause and try again with how that conversation is going.

Let’s say you’re feeling really bothered because your partner forgot to do a task around the house that you asked them to do in the morning. You find your partner and start with, “I can’t believe you didn’t do what I asked you to! You’re always forgetting and never help out!” The words leave your mouth and you’re already biting your tongue. You and your partner both know this is something you’re actively trying to change, and this wasn’t how you wanted it to go.

This is exactly where a redo can come in. It is okay to apologize and reset the moment with something like, “Hold on. I’m sorry—that didn’t come out right. Let me try again.” Nothing about that is weak; it’s actually a sign of emotional maturity and a shift toward healthier communication. What’s wrong with practicing? If your partner is supportive and patient, it can even add a little humor to the moment. You’re both learning something new together—have a little fun with it.

An important part of making redos work, and creating real change in your relationship, is increasing your self-awareness—your own self-awareness. It’s very easy to list all the things we’d love to change about our partner, but that’s not reality, and we can’t change them. You are in control of your words, your reactions, and your choices. So allow yourself some redos. You’re not expected to get it perfect; you’re practicing new patterns, one do-over at a time.

practice: small gains add up

Couples function with having many patterns within their relationship. Some patterns develop quickly and others do over time. Some are healthy and others are unhealthy. Either way, most patterns become the “norm” for that couple, whether it’s a pattern they like or dislike. Part of couples counseling is diving in to change some of these patterns to create healthier ones. It will take practice to change these patterns.

Your therapist should guide you in creating realistic goals for your counseling journey. Sure, it is difficult admitting when we aren’t doing things well, especially when it comes to our relationship. This can lead us to irrational thinking that we are failing. But you’re not! You’re investing in your relationship and creating an opportunity to grow and change, and that’s an important strength to have. These goals that you created will give you a point of focus of what you need to work on. Your therapist may even facilitate some exercises to practice during the session. This may feel a little awkward at first, but it’s good groundwork to prepare you for the next thing.

practicing these skills at home

This is where couples get hung up. Sure, you can step into my office with your partner and we have great sessions, we process, we practice… but you need to be willing to put in the work outside of the therapy room, too. We understand that things come up and can cause us to not always focus on what we need to do in between sessions. But try not to let it become a habit. The couples that are putting in the effort at home are the ones that are truly investing in their relationship and are creating the change.

You and your partner can create the change you want to see in your relationship. And you do this by practicing. Try. Try again. Make those mistakes. Allow for the redos. Laugh about the redos. Reflect back on the changes. Reward yourself for the small gains. If you set a goal to practice using an “I feel” statement with your partner twice per day and you’ve only done it once per day, then that’s a change. Celebrate it. You’re creating positive change through practicing.

best time to start? when you feel ready

When you’re ready to explore couples counseling with your partner, we will be here and ready to support you both. It is a great opportunity to invest in your relationship and create positive changes for you, your partner, and your relationship. And I hope that this article helped prepare you for your journey! If you have any questions, please contact us to begin.