Millions of people look forward to Mother’s Day celebrations, whether that’s bottomless mom-osas at brunch, opening homemade gifts from little ones, or enjoying a day of pampering without having to clean up after anyone. But Mother’s Day can be difficult for many, when complex emotions and painful memories or current challenges rise to the surface. 

Let’s also acknowledge that not all mothering comes from a parent, and not all children are grateful for the mothering they may have received. Maybe you feel jilted as a step-parent or significant other, or perhaps you would rather acknowledge a sibling or caregiver who nurtured you when you needed it most instead of doting on a narcissist or an emotionally unavailable mom. 

when you don't want to celebrate mother's day 

Hold the breakfast in bed, please. Show yourself the love you deserve and ask others to respect that Mother’s Day is difficult for you. You don’t need to add the stress of faking feelings. 

If your relationship with motherhood or with your own mother is strained, marked by trauma or loss, or you are grieving the mother you needed but didn’t have, you don’t have to pretend otherwise. 

Perhaps you have tragically lost a child, and Mother’s Day is a painful reminder that your loved one’s life was cut short.

Maybe you're one of the 6 million women in the US navigating the sadness, anger, guilt, or pain of infertility. 

It’s okay to socially isolate a little during this time to protect yourself. Just be sure you stay connected with a lifeline who can keep you from falling too deep down the rabbit hole, whether that’s a trusted therapist or faithful friend.

here's how to hold space for yourself when mother's day feels difficult

Grief has no expiration date, and holidays have a way of bringing those feelings to the surface again. There are so many reasons someone might struggle with this day. Some are grieving loss, whether it is recent or many years old. Others may carry wounds from difficult or traumatic relationships with their mothers or grown children. When that’s the case, the pressure to celebrate can feel confusing, overwhelming, or just plain painful.

If you find yourself feeling sad, angry, anxious, depressed, or resentful around Mother’s Day, know that you are not alone. It can be difficult to be bombarded with “Happy Mother’s Day” messages when you’re trying to sort through a myriad of emotions. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s important to acknowledge these emotions. Practice self-compassion and ask others to be gentle with you, too. Do something that restores your spirit, your energy, or your mood all weekend. Celebrate your accomplishments with a partner or group of friends or tackle a new challenge on your own. Validate and name your feelings. Know and value your worth. 

If your mother has recently passed, you could be overwhelmed with grief, guilt, regret, sadness, or a waterfall of other emotions. If you want to bring flowers to the cemetery or visit a place that reminds you of her, feel free, and if that’s too raw, don’t let the fear of judgment from others prevent you from caring for your own needs. 

coping with grief

Women stuck in a cycle of grief may feel strong enough to take a single step toward a small, manageable project that honors their loved one, allowing them to sit with their sadness without feeling the need to explain or apologize. Some ideas to consider could be:

• Choose 25 photos to upload into a hardcover book through a photo-sharing site like Snapfish or Shutterfly.
• Donate a grove of trees to a recovering forest through the Arbor Day Foundation.
• Plant a patch of heirloom daylilies or scatter seeds for reblooming wildflowers.

grief for the lost, gratitude for the living

If dementia has robbed you of the mother or grandmother you once knew, consider creating a photo memory book that shows pictures of her visitors with brief descriptions (You can make your own or use a site like https://pinholepress.com/personalized-memory-photo-book-for-seniors)

If you are a mother yourself, how can you balance the weight of your own sadness with the gratitude of parenting children of your own? It can be really hard to find a way to accept the loving gestures your own children want to give when handling the smallest homemade card feels like opening a wound. 

Try shifting the focus from being about moms to being about the family in front of you. Tell your children you love it when they say thank you, but you don’t need a special day in your honor. Instead, choose an activity that you know they will enjoy; one that you have the energy to participate in without overcompensating for your own sadness or guilt or bereavement. It’s not disloyal to mother your children in your own way. 

Sometimes we need a reminder that it’s time to re-parent ourselves, so consider this your permission slip to chart your own way. Soothe yourself with activities that make you feel safe, whether that’s watching rom-coms under a weighted blanket or showing up for kickboxing. Validate your inner child by giving yourself what you need in the moment, but remember to also celebrate the strong person you have become. You contain multitudes. It may take a village to raise a child, but it takes a lifetime to become a fully realized adult. 

when it's all too much on mother's day

If you’re overwhelmed or struggling to validate your own feelings this time of year, consider reaching out to connect with a therapist who can meet you where you are and help guide you to where you want to be. The right time is right now. If you’ve lost touch with a treasured therapist and are embarrassed to reach out again, don’t let guilt or shame keep you from connecting. Professional counselors know that feeling better doesn’t always mean being better, and they’re invested in helping you continue to reach your goals. If you’re curious about how therapy can help, get a recommendation from a close friend or find a Lifeologie Counseling specialist in your area and ask about booking a 15-minute consult with a clinician who matches the qualities you’re looking for in a therapist. 

There’s no right or wrong way to celebrate  – or avoid – days of celebration and remembrance. Avoiding over the top celebrations is fine, but be sure you aren’t also avoiding dealing with your own emotions. Your feelings are just as important as those of everyone around you. You deserve time to ponder and process what is really going on, and to give yourself all the love, compassion, respect, and support you need.

If you’re reading or listening to this and someone you love is hurting on Mother’s Day, consider reaching out. A simple “I’m thinking of you” can go a long way. Being seen and understood can be one of the most healing gifts we offer each other.