Grief During the Holidays

‘Tis the season to be jolly’. But what happens when we, or people we love, are struggling with feelings of grief during the culturally proclaimed, “happiest time of year?”  For those experiencing grief, the social pressure of exuding all things “merry and bright” can become overwhelming and isolating. Navigating grief during the holiday season requires an understanding of what grief is, how grief affects people, and selecting wellness tools that will equip you to manage the effects of grief so that you can not only survive the holidays but enjoy them as well.  

What Do We Grieve?

Many people associate grief with the emotional response to the death of someone or something important, however, grief is multi-dimensional. Grief can be described as a normal response to a loss or the change of a sense of normalcy. In addition to the death of a loved one, people can mourn the change in traditions, such as someone with an aging parent who, due to physical or cognitive issues, cannot celebrate special days in the same way. Family gatherings can be painful reminders of unmet desires for a young couple who has difficulty starting their own family or the yearning for what was in a couple who have become recent “empty nesters”. And sappy holiday movies can highlight the pain of a divorce or change in relationship status. Even celebrating a holiday in an unfamiliar place can bring feelings of grief. All types of losses are valid, natural, and normal.

Effects of Grief

Sadness. Guilt. Numbness. Anger. While grief does have emotional effects, it also has physical, cognitive, and behavioral implications as well. Some physical side effects of the grieving process can include changes in sleeping patterns, heart rate, and increased stress cortisol levels. Cognitive issues include “grief brain,” where individuals report feeling foggy or spacey, forgetfulness, confusion, dreams related to the loss or change, and difficulty making decisions or expressing oneself. Individuals who are grieving may also experience a change in behavior such as withdrawing or isolating from friends and family, avoidance of specific places or reminders of their loss, and decreased level of activity. 

Ways to Cope

The first step to coping is accepting that grief isn’t a linear process but more like a spiral staircase. You may feel like you are going in circles because you aren’t “over” your grief or you experience the same effects repeatedly, but you are actually making progress. And while there are multiple ways to mourn a loss, consider utilizing a few of these strategies:

1. Feel Your Feelings

While implicit (or sometimes explicit) messages in our culture and society tell us to avoid or suppress “negative emotions,” it is important to allow ourselves to feel and process grief. This requires purposefulness in slowing down, checking-in with our bodily sensations, and building curiosity in a non-judgmental way. We often describe emotions like sadness and anger as “negative,” but in reality, they are helpful indicators to the things, people, and desires that are important to us.

2. Consider a Mourning Ritual

Rituals and traditions are helpful to honor a change or bring closure to a loss. Various cultures and people groups have different rituals and traditions for the grieving of a loved one. Jewish customs have a mourning process that includes Kirah, the tearing of clothes to symbolize deep grief. In Hindu families in India, family and friends come together for a 13-day collective grieving process. In Japanese culture, mourners light incense at a funeral to help guide the deceased’s spirit heavenwards. These rituals or traditions can help mourners process grief, but the idea can be applied to different types of losses as well. Consider lighting a candle and saying a prayer for the specific change or loss. Journal about your experience. Create a new holiday tradition that incorporates old ones. Plant a tree or buy some flowers in memory of the loss. Create a piece of artwork or get a meaningful tattoo. 

3. Take Care of Your Body

The importance of exercise can never be overstated. When you move your body, it releases endorphins which help alleviate pain, relieve stress, and improve mood. Movement also helps emotions and energy move through our bodies. Try walking through a neighborhood decorated with lights, dancing to your favorite holiday song, or taking a yoga class. While enjoying favorite holiday foods can bring joy, be cognizant of also choosing healthier options and drink plenty of water!

4. Set Healthy Boundaries

Work parties, tree lighting ceremonies, family gatherings, gift exchanges, shopping trips, pictures with Santa. The holiday season is a busy time of year, and it can easily feel overwhelming. If a certain event brings up feelings of grief or adds to your mental load, allow yourself to say “no.” People may not understand your reasoning, but that is okay. Your mental health is your responsibility. 

5. Find Support

Find safe individuals who will support you. Tell them what you need, whether that is to talk about your grief, be distracted for the moment or receive a hug. Grief support groups are also a great way to find a community of people who may have similar experiences. Lastly, a mental health professional can help walk you through the grief process. 

How to Help Those Who are Grieving

Quick dos and don’ts of what to say to others who may be experiencing grief.

Don’t: 

Don’t minimize someone’s grief with statements like “You’ll be okay” or “Just give it time; time heals.” Spiritual bypassing statements like “There is a reason for everything” or “God’s in charge” can also feel invalidating to their present grief. 

Do:

Do offer support by lending a helping hand with everyday tasks which may feel overwhelming like a grocery pickup, babysitting, or making dinner. Statements of support can sound like “I’m so sorry. I have no words but I am here for you” or “Do you want me to share some of my favorite memories about ____?”.

Talk therapy and supportive groups have so much to offer people who are grieving. When you're ready, Google "grief therapist near me", explore a reputable directory like Psychology Today, or search for local Lifeologie Counseling therapists on our locations page to book an appointment.

Until then, learn more about how grief counseling helps with healing or read our additional blogs:

The Stages of Grief by Lifeologie Counseling Midlothian therapist Mary Helen Snowden, LPC

5 Ways To Cope With Grief by Lifeologie Counseling Oak Cliff therapist Shaina Cheever, LPC-A

Is My Grief Normal? by Lifeologie Counseling Grand Rapids therapist Sarah Hazelwood, LLPC