Was I Raised By A Narcissist?

It’s a question that’s trending these days, in part because of the popular resurgence of the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. Originally written in 2015 for a professional therapy audience, it spent weeks on the New York Times Bestseller list last summer, thanks to influencers who championed it on TikTok. Any  influencer can tell you that moving back in with parents during COVID-19 (or during our current period of dramatic federal layoffs) is a breeding ground for strained relationships to fester. But why does it feel so tense? And why are we still upset about it? We can move out, but can we manage to move on? 

are my parents emotionally unavailable?

Gibson found in her own practice that unhappy adults who wanted to improve their relationships with their parents were often met with emotional unavailability, lack of regard for their feelings, and an inability or refusal to communicate effectively, possibly from their parents’ own unresolved trauma. Another explanation for creating a toxic family dynamic by being so self-involved that you ignore the needs of those around you is narcissism - a word that risks being both misunderstood and overused. 

defining a narcissist

Plenty of people are vain or self-involved, but that doesn’t make them narcissists. A true narcissist has a need for constant and excessive admiration, a grandiose sense of self-importance, and a genuine lack of empathy. Even more confusing, not all narcissists have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a mental health condition that can be hard to treat, because narcissists not only feel they are entitled to special treatment, they are hypersensitive to criticism, and may perceive questions that arise during therapy as personal attacks. 

“The increasing prevalence of mental health discussions across social media has brought many positive changes in our culture, but has unfortunately also led to the misuse of some heavy terms,” says Dallas therapist Christian Walsh, LPC-A, who specializes in working with adults who are grappling with personality disorders and other mental health challenges that affect their behavior and their relationships. “Narcissism is simply a trait that might come up in how someone interacts, while NPD is a consistent pattern of behaviors that will heavily impact their ability to function in nearly all aspects of their life. Is the person just more likely to look out for themselves, or is their lack of empathy invading and harming everything they do?

less than perfect parenting

Every parent will fall short of perfection. It's a tough gig. But the heartbreak of narcissistic parenting is that parents who behave in an immature or emotionally avoidant manner may have unrealistic expectations and unresolved trauma from their own childhoods. They then perpetuate that negative cycle with their children, not realizing they have the power to start healing themselves and creating the kinds of authentic relationships they simultaneously reject and desire. 

Emotionally unavailable or narcissistic parents may try to abuse, manipulate, or exploit their children, play favorites, or withhold love and affection. A few signs that your parents were (or are) focused on themselves more than you could be if they try to:

• Guilt-trip you to get what they want.

• Use your accomplishments as a trophy to inflate their own sense of importance.

• Threaten grand gestures such as leaving the country.

• Become obsessed with maintaining a picture-perfect public image.

• Avoid or ridicule your need for independence or individuality.

Being raised by parents who were manipulative or emotionally avoidant may lead people to develop feelings of inadequacy, emptiness, self-doubt, hypervigilance, and imposter syndrome. They may struggle to set boundaries and form healthy relationships, and often feel the need to be people-pleasers or perfectionists.They may feel additional guilt and shame if their material needs were well-met but they were not physically traumatized.

The comparison of “genuine” abuse vs living with emotionally absent parents can lead to many of the same challenges and outcomes from a mental health perspective, says Walsh. “This can often lead to self-doubt when someone compares what they have been through to others around them talking about what we would describe as emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. What is important to remember is that everyone experiences their challenges differently, and that if you are struggling as a result of your upbringing, that pain is real. The pervading outcome through both situations is often the belief that you are not enough or that somehow these experiences are your fault. Because of this, the same level of care and mental health support is both necessary and deserved.”

wait, am I creating a narcissist?

As parents, we sometimes seek to make sure our children have an abundance of things we felt lacking in our own young lives. So it’s natural (especially for children of emotionally immature or unavailable parents) to think that lavishing praise on our kids helps to build their self-esteem. However, a study of preschoolers found that heaping admiration doesn’t instill self-confidence – but it can lead to an inflated sense of self-worth, hostility, impulsivity, and a lack of regard for others.

Have you survived a childhood with a narcissist only to create a mirrored model in your own home? What’s a devoted parent supposed to do? The cycle doesn’t have to continue! If you think your preschooler or young child might be exhibiting signs of these behaviors, early intervention is key. 

Kids are wired to think about themselves first; it's just part of growing up. But with compassionate guidance, you can help them develop healthy emotional regulation and empathy. Showing them good examples, setting limits they can understand, and just listening goes a long way. A lot of challenging childhood behaviors are normal and don't indicate narcissism or any other future personality disorders. With patience, consistency, and love, you can nurture a child who feels insecure to care about the feelings of others. If you're still worried about their behavior, talk to their pediatrician or book a counseling session with a parenting expert who can give you an objective point of view. 

How can we tell the difference between the temporarily selfie-obsessed and the truly challenged?

Some research indicates that the stress of social-status competition that peaks during adolescence can potentially lead to increases in narcissism between ages 14-18. 

If your older teen is treating you with hostility and contempt, it may be a normal attempt for them to exercise their independence. If you are concerned that their sense of self-importance is out of control, yet somehow their self-esteem is so low they continue to require constant validation from you, Fort Worth therapist Rachelle Pritchard, LMSW,  has some key insights. It’s not too late, she says, to consider an approach that looks like this:

• Teach & Model Compassion for others: Narcissistic traits can be softened with consistent modeling of empathy and compassion. Children who learn to consider the feelings and needs of others are less likely to develop rigid, self-centered worldviews. Use everyday moments to ask reflective questions like, “How do you think that made your friend feel?” to build emotional awareness.

• Set and Respect Healthy Boundaries: Kids thrive in environments where boundaries are clear and consistently upheld. This teaches respect for others and helps the child develop a sense of security and internal control. Boundaries are especially critical in breaking intergenerational cycles of narcissistic or controlling parenting, where emotional needs may have been blurred or dismissed.

• Get Curious, Not Combative: When a child or teen displays inflated self-importance, constant need for praise, or acts out with hostility, resist the urge to label or shame. Instead, get curious about what’s underneath. Often, behaviors rooted in narcissism stem from fear, insecurity, or unmet emotional needs. A regulated adult response teaches them emotional resilience.

• Consider Family Therapy or Parenting Support: Interventions like family therapy or individual parenting sessions can be crucial in unpacking generational trauma and learning new skills. A professional like Pritchard can help explore how early attachment patterns, trauma history, or family dynamics are showing up in present-day parenting, offering tools to rewire these responses.

• Nurture Identity Beyond Validation: Teens especially need to feel seen—but not only for achievements, appearance, or attention-seeking behaviors. Help them build a solid sense of self through affirming their values, creativity, and effort. Shift the focus from “being special” to “being enough,” and celebrate growth rather than perfection.

signs & symptoms of narcissistic behavior

Parental overvaluation is something that happens in our childhood, and we may not realize its effects until we are on the path to becoming independent adults. It’s also important to recognize if you are in a relationship with a narcissist, and to be able to distinguish the difference between being a narcissist and just acting like a jerk. 

Walsh suggests asking yourself if you recognize these signs of narcissistic behavior in yourself or your partner:

• Anything positive in the relationship is the result of them being a good partner, but any issues that come up are “clearly your fault” or because you are being “insecure or overly emotional”.

• Your emotions are minimized and undervalued, while theirs are important and demand immediate resolution.

• They are extremely sensitive to any criticism or requests for behavioral changes. You need to change, but they do not.

• Your emotional and physical boundaries are ignored as they pose a risk to the partner’s sense of control.

• They become jealous and potentially hostile if your successes or attention from others make them feel small.

“Recognizing our own patterns of narcissistic behavior can be difficult, but it starts with a habit of self-reflection and open communication with those around us. Healing can begin when we understand that our childhood and past relationship patterns do not have to dictate the rest of our life,” he says.

Connecting with the right therapist can help you learn to practice self-compassion, grieve the parent you needed but didn’t have, break the pattern of generational trauma, and develop a healthy perspective on your past, present, and future relationships.

Whether your parents were narcissists or simply exhibited some similar tendencies, and whether or not they are willing or able to change, you can give yourself the gift of validating your feelings about your upbringing in a nonjudgmental, therapeutic environment. Getting help from a professional counselor can help you heal, and also give you the tools to become the kind of partner and parent you choose to be. 

Search wefixbrains.com to find a Lifeologie Counseling specialist that feels like the right fit, or reach out on our contact form to learn more about working with one of our kind and compassionate clinical therapists near you.