Why Do We Apologize for Crying?

Recently, I've found myself noticing that every time I am in the presence of someone crying, whether with a client or friend, the person apologizes for doing so.  Is it a form of politeness or display of manners? Is it that we want to show self-awareness that our sudden crying has changed the vibes in the room? Are we feeling bad or embarrassed to be upset? Or is it even that water is leaking from our face and we can’t control it!? It made me wonder, why do we almost always apologize for crying?

A 2019 clinical research article (The Neurobiology of Human Crying) explains that  “visible tears impact how others perceive the crier’s emotional state, personality, and behavioral intentions." When someone has tears coming out of their eyes, our brains naturally evaluate why they are crying and how (or if) we should help. People interpret this different ways, from positive responses like offering a hug, saying “it’s okay”, or removing the issue or threat, to negative responses such as ignoring or avoiding, telling the crier to stop, or showing fear or annoyance.

We tend to see people who cry as friendlier, warmer, and more honest and sincere than those who keep their emotions bottled inside, and that typically elicits our desire to comfort them. However, too much sobbing and we may interpret their tears as signs they are "emotionally unstable, incompetent, and manipulative."

Crying is Communicating

As infants,  crying was how we connected to the people around us when we needed something. The purpose of our crying has evolved as we grow into adults, but it is still a way for us to express feelings and relate with others. Needing to apologize about crying may occur if we were told to stop and "suck it up" during childhood, or if our friends or caregivers made us uncomfortable because they found our crying disruptive, over-stimulating, or attention-seeking.

When you meet with a therapist, you are offered safe space to process everything you are and have gone through. This brings up a lot of opportunities to shed tears! Crying is a way our body displays what we are going through and doing so with a therapist is a way to find healing. In a therapy space, your tears are welcomed and respected. Your therapist is there to understand you, empathize with you, and hold space for whatever it is you’re going through. 

I specialize in working with clients who are struggling with grief, depression, spiritual abuse, and stress. Believe me when I say you don’t have to apologize for crying to your therapist! It is our job and joy to hold space for your tears.

Book an appointment with me in person or online at Lifeologie Counseling Oak Cliff, or, if you live outside the Dallas area, find a Lifeologie therapist near you who can give you the space to process your feelings and your tears without having to say you're sorry!