What To Do When Abandonment Issues Show Up

Just When You Thought You Left All That Behind...Here's What To Do When Your "Abandonment Issues" Show Up In Your Relationship 

You thought you’d made peace with it. Your parents’ divorce was years ago. You’ve built your own life, your own relationship, maybe even your own family. You’ve done the work to move forward. And then one day, something happens. Your partner doesn’t respond to a text. They cancel plans. They seem distracted. And suddenly, you’re right back in that old familiar place: anxious, unsettled, wondering what you did wrong. 

You might think, “Why is this coming up again? I thought I was over this.” But here’s the truth: our early experiences of love and loss don’t just disappear. They shape how we connect, how we trust, and how safe we feel in closeness, especially if you grew up as an adult child of divorce.

when the ground beneath you shifts early on

As a young adult navigating your parents’ separation, you probably learned a lot about holding it together. You might have tried to be understanding, supportive, or “the strong one.” Maybe you felt caught between homes, or between two people you love, trying not to make anyone feel worse. Even if you handled it “well,” that experience can plant subtle messages that follow you into adulthood, like:

• “I have to take care of everyone else’s emotions.”
• “If I need too much, I’ll push people away.”
• “Love can change suddenly, and I need to stay ready.”

These beliefs often operate quietly in the background until something in your adult relationship activates them. Then, the emotions you thought were resolved come roaring back, because your body still remembers what instability felt like.

attachment: the blueprint that doesn’t disappear

When we talk about abandonment issues, we’re really talking about attachment. Attachment is the emotional bond we form with caregivers and, later, with partners. It’s the internal map that tells us how safe it is to connect, and what to do when closeness feels threatened. There are several attachment patterns, but for adult children of divorce, two tend to show up most often:

• Anxious attachment: You may crave closeness and reassurance, and feel deeply unsettled when a partner seems distant. You might find yourself checking in often, overanalyzing tone or silence, or feeling responsible for keeping the relationship “okay.”
• Avoidant attachment: You may feel uneasy depending on others, or pull away when emotions run high. You might pride yourself on independence, but secretly feel lonely and misunderstood.

These patterns aren’t personality flaws; they’re adaptive strategies that once kept you emotionally safe. When a relationship today triggers those same fears, your system isn’t overreacting; it’s remembering.

how codependency can sneak in

For many adult children of divorce, love and responsibility became tangled early. You might have felt like a mediator, a caretaker, or the emotional “glue” holding things together. Over time, this can lead to codependent patterns, where your sense of security depends on your partner’s feelings, moods, or approval. You might notice that you:

• Struggle to say “no” or express your needs
• Feel guilty when you’re not doing enough for others
• Try to prevent conflict before it starts
• Feel uneasy if you’re not actively maintaining connection

These behaviors often come from a loving place; the part of you that learned, “If I can keep everyone happy, I’ll be safe.” But in adult relationships, they can leave you feeling exhausted, unseen, and resentful. Healing means learning that love doesn’t have to mean over-functioning. 

what to do when old wounds show up

Healing from the long shadow of parental divorce isn’t about never being triggered again, but rather knowing what to do whenever you are. Here’s where to start:

1. Recognize the Old Story

When that fear of abandonment flares up, pause and ask yourself:

“Is this about what’s happening right now, or about what used to happen?”

Your reaction might belong to a younger version of you — the one who felt helpless when people you loved drifted apart. Recognizing that helps you respond from the present, not the past.

2. Tend to Your Nervous System

You can’t reason your way out of a triggered state. Start with the body:

• Take slow, deep breaths until your shoulders drop
• Ground yourself by noticing what you can see, touch, and hear
• Try gentle movement such as taking a walk, stretching, or shaking out your hands

3. Communicate, Don’t Catastrophize

When you feel insecure, your mind might race to worst-case scenarios. Instead of acting on that anxiety (sending multiple texts, withdrawing, or blaming), try saying:

“When I don’t hear from you, I notice I get anxious. It reminds me of times when connection felt unpredictable. I’m working on it, but I wanted to share what’s going on for me.”

4. Reparent the Part That Still Hurts

Imagine the younger you, the one who watched your family fracture, who felt invisible or caught in the middle. What would they need to hear right now? Maybe it’s:

“You don’t have to fix it this time.”
“You’re allowed to have needs.”
“You’re not going to be left behind.”

Reparenting is about offering yourself the steady reassurance you didn’t always receive growing up.

5. Build Secure Relationships, Including With Yourself

Healing happens in safe connection, but it starts with self-trust. You can practice that by:

• Setting and keeping small promises to yourself
• Taking breaks when you feel overwhelmed instead of powering through
• Surrounding yourself with people who respect your boundaries

If you’re in therapy, this work deepens there too. A therapeutic relationship can model what secure attachment feels like: consistent, accepting, and reliable; the kind of safety you can then bring into your own relationships.

you haven’t failed, you’re evolving

When those “old” abandonment wounds resurface, it’s not a sign you’ve regressed. It’s a sign you’ve created enough safety in your life for deeper healing to begin. Every relationship, romantic or otherwise, is an opportunity to rewrite your attachment story. Each trigger is an invitation to choose differently this time: to pause instead of panic, to stay instead of run, to trust instead of brace for loss. And each time you do, you’re teaching your nervous system that love can be safe again. For example, if a client of mine seems to repeatedly find themselves ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’ in a relationship, this might suggest their guard has been put up as a defense mechanism (often understandably!); we could address this by accepting the burden of vulnerability and reframing it into something empowering, even though it may be scary. This work teaches your body and mind that you don’t have to keep reliving the instability you grew up with, and you can build something steadier with others and within yourself.

use the right tools

If you’re an adult child of divorce and you recognize yourself here, know that nothing about you is broken. Your patterns make sense; they were born out of survival and love. From the moment we develop sentience as children, we begin experimenting with the world around us. We develop tools to solve problems, and if they seem to get the job done, we’re likely to use them again. If a child engages in people-pleasing behaviors to avoid conflict and it works, they’re likely to do it again! When this child grows up, they may need to address these behaviors and develop legitimate conflict-management skills, but they don’t have to beat themselves up for being a ‘people-pleaser’, as they were simply using the tools they had on hand. This lens allows people to give themselves grace and pursue growth from a self-accepting perspective. As we mature, so do our problems, and eventually, the tools we developed for them may become outdated. Now, as an adult, you get to decide what stays and what shifts.

I specialize in helping adult children of divorce and clients with chaotic family backgrounds make healthy life choices and heal from the past. Reach out to learn more about working with me today at (214) 357-4001, book a session with us at Lifeologie Counseling Dallas, or find a Lifeologie therapist near you!