Is This Feeling Love, or Is It Control?

How do you know if your partner is in love or in control?

With Valentine’s Day around the corner, it’s the perfect time to brush up on ways a partner can make us feel like their whole world, and learn to recognize if that feeling is genuine, fleeting, or motivated by an inner motive of control triggering all that romantic behavior. Here are a few phrases to watch out for:

“I just want to be with you all the time.”

It may feel like intense rom-com energy, but this can very quickly become suffocating. This is early intensity themed as emotional connection. They get salty when you hang with friends or guilt-trip you for having a life outside them. Clinically, this can be a form of emotional enmeshment that pressures you to prioritize the relationship before trust and safety are established.

“I worry about you, text me when you’re home.”

Safety is everything! This care can make you feel safe and protected. It feels good to have someone checking on us! Unfortunately, this may evolve into monitoring you under the guise of “caring for you”, including tracking your location, needing constant updates, or getting mad if you don’t reply fast enough. Over time, this can turn into surveillance that limits your autonomy.

“I do not like how they treat you.” Look out for protectiveness that narrows your world. This phrase sounds like you are receiving an outside perspective on relationships you have never doubted and are near and dear to your heart. It also sounds supportive, but is actually one of the key components of early social isolation. Plain and simple, a controlling partner feels threatened by those close to you, and feels the need to weed them out.

“I just love you so much, you should feel flattered that I get jealous.” This is jealousy trying to become normalized as love. Jealous reactions are often excused as passion or fear of loss. In therapy, we explore persistent jealousy as a risk factor for control, not proof of commitment. It can feel good, like, wow, I matter that much, when this is a slippery slope to intense control.

“I don’t need anyone else as long as I have you,” or “No one gets you like I do.” Emotional dependence can be disguised as devotion. When someone puts pressure on you by needing you in order to feel safe and okay, it can quietly shift responsibility for their emotional regulation to fall under your responsibility. This is suffocating and creates a relationship that feels like a full-time job, isolating you and making your partner and their needs the center of your world – which is often the end goal of controlling partners.

a few more subtle red flags to be on the lookout for

“I’m just really intentional about who I let close to me.” This can be used to justify either moving too quickly or isolating you.

“I’ve been hurt before, so I need reassurance.” Trauma is valid and real, but constant reassurance can quickly become obligation and monitoring. Weaponizing past trauma is a clear red flag.

“I just like knowing I’m a priority.” It’s healthy for someone to prioritize their own needs in balance; yet concerning when it means you need to abandon all else for your partner.

“I notice everything when I care about someone.” This is framed as attentiveness, but can evolve into hyper-awareness and control.

“I don’t ask for much, just honesty.” Sounds reasonable, but becomes crushing pressure to disclose things you are not comfortable with. “Just” honesty becomes a partner feeling entitled to every ounce of your life and yourself.

Always remember, real love feels warm, not watchful. Sweet, not suffocating. Healthy relationships allow room for choice, privacy, and growth. Love does not require constant access, emotional pressure, or giving up parts of yourself.

feeling confused? consider counseling

If you feel like you’re walking on eggshells around your partner, watch my short TikTok video to learn more about some of the ways you can recognize some of the warning signs of an emotionally abusive partner.

As a therapist who specializes in helping teens and adults address issues that can be difficult to discuss, I know it can be confusing or embarassing to talk about relationship concerns and fears. But allowing yourself to be vulnerable in a professional therapy space (that's also warm and nonjudgmental) can help you set boundaries, build healthy relationships, and recognize red flags in the future.

Book a session with me at Lifeologie Counseling Dallas, or learn more about my approach in my bio. Outside of Texas, you can search our directory for counseling near you at wefixbrains.com/therapists